I’ve been out of my healthy habits for the past few months, only hitting the gym and eating clean sporadically. As a result I feel like a smashed brown banana. Yuck, disgusting. Part of it has to do with the hectic holidays but I’m not about to blame it soley on that because the holiday season has never done this to me before. There are two other big reasons that I’ve never dealt with before and I’ve been trying to overcome both at the same time which has turned out to be exhausting.
The first one has been trying to figure out these damn ovulation predictor tests and dealing with the frustration of having the doctor keep telling me the same thing over and over, “Keep at it for a few more months, and if still nothing happens, then we’ll talk about other options.” I’m starting to think I need to find a new doctor who acts like he wants to help me because this one doesn’t seem to have the same sense of urgency I do. (Any recommendations located in the Salt Lake valley?)
The other thing is that around the end of October when the weather changed from a delightfully crisp autumn to a bitter, dark winter, I found myself suddenly seized upon by a strange lethargy that I’ve never felt before. I suddenly became not just disinterested in working out, but downright dreading an loathing it. And on the rare days I could pick myself up and drag my butt to the gym anyway, I rarely enjoyed my workout. I felt depressed and hopeless and couldn’t pinpoint any particular reason for it. Even C4 (the preworkout drink I use) couldn’t pick me up and that’s when I knew something definitely wasn’t quite right because that always works.
I did some research and talked to a bunch of people and most of them agree that my symptoms probably point to seasonal depression. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve always loved the colder months because I tend to overheat very easily and so I’ve always thought of the cooler weather as a relief. I love the snow and I even hesitate to complain about driving in it. I just never thought winter was as bad as everyone else did. I still don’t really know where this came from or why now all of the sudden.
Since it is the new year, I’ve made a resolution to learn to enjoy my life as it is right now, and to do my best to live in the moment. The only strategy I’ve been able to come up with to get my happiness back is to stop thinking and planning and overanalyzing so much and just take action. I’m going to work on some home improvement projects, start drawing again, spend more quality time with Nate, and get myself back to the gym, but most of all I’m going to stop poisoning my body with sugar. I’ve had entirely too much and not only has it made me feel terrible physically, but I’ve gained 15 pounds, which makes me feel terrible emotionally.
Many of you know that my favorite T.V. show is The Biggest Loser and as I watched the premier of season 14 last night, I could not keep tears from running down my cheeks as I listened to each contestant’s story. The real inspiration though, came when Nicki chose to throw away the huge opportunity she had been given and walked off the ranch on the very first day. Her story struck a particularly emotional chord with me because she desperately wanted to have a family with her husband but she couldn’t because she is obese. To watch her give up on herself so quickly saddened and angered me so deeply that I swore at that moment that I was not going to do the same thing. I am refusing to wallow and let this depression beat me. Even if it subsides on its own once the sun returns, I am not willing to wait around that long. I am in charge of me, so I say it’s happening now.
For my own record and accountability I am going to write down my current stats in order to hopefully see a huge change by spring. Follow along with me if you want to; I’d love some company!
Start (Jan. 7, 2013) Goal (April 7, 2013)
Height: 5’ 8”
Weight: 145 lbs 130 lbs ( -15 lbs )
Waist: 30” 25” ( -5” )
Hips: 42” 39” ( -3” )
Thighs: 23” 20” ( -3” )
I realize that these may seem a little lofty for only 90 days, but I believe in aiming high. When I reach these goals, I'm hoping to feel confident enough to finally enter for my first amateur bodybuilding show, bikini division, something I've wanted to do for years! Just writing those words is so scary. Stay tuned.
Do any of you experience seasonal depression or any type of depression? What strategies do you employ to shake it off? Have you lost interest in things you’re usually passionate about?
Until next time.
