Spring Fever

Just checking in to say that I have actually been doing the things I made goals to do at the beginning of this year. I'm so proud of myself for following through... even though it has been pretty slow-going.

1. I cleaned up my tulip beds and my tulips are poking through the dirt by about 3 inches. Grow, my pretties! Grow! Also, Nate and I have major plans this weekend to clean up the rest of our yard and start fertilizing the grass and planting our garden. Sadly, it's looking like our colorado blue spruce shrub did not survive this horrid winter so we may have to yank it out. But the snowball and the japanese maple have a few buds I think... I hope.

2. So far this week I have met my goal of not pausing my workout DVD to rest. I've done the whole workout start to finish without hitting pause once, AND I honestly feel like I gave it my best effort the whole time. I feel confident in saying that I did not wuss out once. Yesterday I did the HIIT 15 Turbo Fire class 4 times, for a total of an hour of HIIT kickboxing and it killed me, but I felt great when I was done.

3. I bought some paint to do some projects around my house. I've already started one: painting my interior doors black. The first coat looked AWFUL of course, since I was painting black over white. As an experienced painter I fully expected that. (Nate had a deer-in-headlights expression the whole time; he questions my sanity whenever I start crazy things like this... haha) But last night I put on the second coat and they already look tremendously better. One more coat ought to do it... I hope I have enough paint because I only bought 1 quart and I have 6 doors. Once the doors are done, then I start on my bathroom re-do!

4. I've found some artistic inspiration in addition to my door painting, which is exciting because I haven't sat down to draw in months. It's very sad. While I haven't actually started on anything yet, I plan to this week. Also, Nate bought a new computer because our poor laptop is in its last life, and he plans on buying me a scanner/printer to go with it so that I can start uploading my art again, which I think will motivate me to draw more. If you'd like to see my old stuff... and I mean old... some of it is from high school I think... check out my art page at deviantART: ( MerryJayne ) I have not updated it in a few years because of my lack of equipment.

Until next time.

Work hard, Play hard, Sleep in, Repeat.

They say you should keep your sleep schedule consistent all week, regardless of your days off.

I beg to differ.

We work hard all week long. We go to our jobs for 40 hours, work out, cook dinner, fix the cars and clean the house.

We play hard on Saturdays. There's nothing like getting up early on a Saturday morning because you WANT to and not because you HAVE to! I go to spinning class and Nate goes to basketball. We each spend a couple of hours being awesome, then we come home, shower, and go back out and play all day. We eat out and stay up late watching movies and eating buttery popcorn.

Sundays are for being lazy! 6 days a week we are go, go, going, without a break or a rest. But on Sundays, we finally slow down and relax. We sleep in ridiculously late, then take our time getting ready to go to church. And afternoons are spent just enjoying one another's company and possibly even cooking a nice dinner together.

Bliss.

Slow down once in a while to rest. Go too long without re-charging your batteries, and you'll get burned out. It's ok to have some dessert and lie on the couch once in while.

Until next time.

Musings

Yesterday I had an amazing workout. I haven't felt that excited to work out in months. The sun was shining and even though it was still pretty cold, the sky was blue, and I opened all my curtains to let the sunshine in. Bliss. My gumption to go to the gym and lift is still MIA (although it's been about a month since I missed a Saturday AM spin class) but I can feel myself getting back to the mindset I used to have before this depression bulldozed me into oblivion. Here's what I did:

Turbo Fire HIIT 15 class (twice!)
Turbo Fire 30 class

For a grand total of 1 hour of High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT)/ kickboxing. Woohoo! "Lose-it!" told me I'd burned 609 calories. I question the accuracy of that, but even give or take a few kcals, seeing that number paired with my drenched self in the mirror made for a happy combo.

Every time I do Turbo Fire, I get better at the moves and I can make it farther and farther into the workout without having to hit pause so often. I've set these goals for myself for the next 3 weeks:

1. Next week: Do not pause the DVD at all during the workout.
2. The week after: Begin wearing my weighted gloves.
3. The week after that: Begin wearing my weighted gloves AND ankle wraps.

I've also been wanting to get outside and start cleaning up my yard since the snow is finally melting. My tulips are starting to try and poke through and they need a clean bed in which to bloom. That sounds like a nice Sunday activity...

Until next time.

A Letter to Everyone Else (A Rant)

(Disclaimer: Please do not read on if you find yourself sensitive to a bit of profanity, and general bitchiness, because I am not holding back in this post. To borrow a phrase: "This is the truth that hurts feelings." You’ve been warned.)

In recent weeks I’ve experienced a shift in my attitude toward my pregnant or recent new-mother friends and family. When I previously wrote in this blog that I sincerely felt happy for you all, that was true. I was not being phony in that, in any way. I assure you that sentiment was genuine... at the time.

But now… I’m not so sure I can say that honestly anymore. I’d really like to tell you that there’s some piece of me that still feels that way. I hope there is. And I’d like to tell you that these emotions are simply the product of hormones that are running amok, but I’m really not sure if that’s the case. All I know is that I now resent you. Every last one of you. I resent every cutesy pregnancy announcement. I resent your happiness. I resent your whining about nausea. I resent your whining about “being ready to get this kid outta me!” when you’re 9 months along. I resent your precious “bump” progress photos. I resent all your bitching about how the new baby had a poop explosion at the grocery store. I resent your bitching about all the sleep you’re missing. I resent your gushing about how grateful you are for your tender little family. I resent the lot of it. F*ck you.

I can pinpoint the exact moment this attitude shift took place. I suppose it was inevitable. There is a certain limit to what any given person can withstand. I suppose this was my straw that broke the camel’s back. This was the turning point that sent me falling over the edge. Perhaps I ought to have been feeling this way all along… you know, defenses and all that. I’ll admit that a lot of it was my own fault for dwelling on facebook so much… but that is over now.

The precise moment I broke down was a bright, sunny morning in March. The sun had finally come back and I could literally feel my seasonal depression, coupled with the depression and anxiety I’d been battling since I started going the ovulation predictor route (aka “Plan A”), ever so slightly begin to ebb and melt away, finally. I woke up, rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom. My period was 2 days late and I had become hopeful, despite my own better judgment. I sat down to pee and when I stood up and glanced into the bowl before quickly flushing, all I saw was a bright red, swirling pool that was unmistakable. Crestfallen, but not surprised whatsoever, I went about the business of “taking care of it”, and pushed the sobs that I could feel building in my throat back down. Do not cry. You expected this.

I continued in my morning routine and went to work. Fortunately, my email inbox was overfull with lots of work to do and I successfully distracted myself for several hours. Then… I got a text. Someone was pregnant. I made the idiotic mistake of getting on facebook on my phone. The announcement was there too, right alongside all the other pregnancy/baby-related posts that I had, until now, been easily scrolling over and ignoring for months. Years. Eons it seemed. I closed the app very calmly. I stood up from my desk and locked my computer screen as was my habit to do whenever I left it. I walked to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet lid. And then they came.

Tears poured uncontrollably out of my eyes as I dabbed and dabbed, trying to push them back in. I could not show any signs that I had been crying.  I couldn’t have red eyes and marred makeup when I went back to my desk. I simply couldn’t. This had never happened before. I had never cried about this before. I chocked it up to out of balance hormones caused by my period and forced composure over myself. It was just bad timing to receive the news. I ought to be happy for these people.

Yet I felt nothing but despair, anger, jealousy and resentment. I asked myself if there was any small bit of joy mixed in somewhere, some little bit of joy that would mean I was still a good, empathetic human being… there wasn’t. Not a shred. I felt absolutely no joy whatsoever for these people that are very close to me, and dear to my heart. I felt nothing but pure, unbridaled rage. It was irrational. It was selfish. It was inhumane. And yet there is was, so strong in my heart that I could not deny it. I hated them. I hated all of them. The whole lot. Every mother that existed, I hated.

The worst part of it all was that I could not allow it to consume me. It would have been so much easier to lash out. But I couldn’t. No self-respecting, decent person would. I felt as though I was fighting an inner battle between the good Mandee and the bad Mandee. The bad Mandee wanted out, desperately. I was very conflicted. I was at war with myself: One side craved the freedom to feel what I felt and the other demanded that I ought not to feel so, that it was wrong to feel so.

And so this letter is my compromise. Both sides get to have a little win. The good, decent side kept quiet all day and went home and kicked ass to a workout DVD until my legs were jelly and I was on the verge of an asthma attack.

The other side was allowed to write this letter.

Until next time.

P.S. Don’t you dare comment on this, message me on facebook, or text me and say, “I am so sorry if I’ve ever done or said anything to hurt your feelings…” , or any possible variation on that line. I don’t want to hear it. I’ll just delete it.

Live on Purpose

I follow a blog called “No Meat Athlete”, which is written by a vegetarian marathon runner named Matt Frazier. The reason I follow him is not because I wish to become a marathon runner or a vegetarian (both of which are noble ways of life, it’s just that neither are right for me), but because I find his philosophies on living a healthy lifestyle fascinating. I am in awe of this person who literally runs his body to heck fueled only by a plant-based diet. And he doesn’t just write about fitness and nutrition. He writes about overall wellness and how fitness and nutrition truly impact all other aspects of a person’s life, including mental and emotional wellness.

Recently, he wrote this post (No Meat Athlete/Live on Purpose ) and it really struck a chord with me. If you’ve been following meathead girly-girl for a while, you already know that I’ve been struggling lately. There are some chaotic things in my life that are beyond my control and you’ve been there with me as I’ve written about my struggle to overcome them. With some I’ve been pretty vague (for now), and others I’ve gone into more detail. But the post (linked above) hit home for me because he talks about ways of “Living on Purpose” and attempting to gain control of your own happiness, something that is well within anyone’s reach, you just have to try. This concept is easy to forget.
 

I felt inspired to do my own version of this. He talks about the 5 most important things he learned about “Living on Purpose” and I feel like at this stagnant point in my life, something needs to change and I’ve realized that rather than waiting for change to happen to me, I need to proactively change myself. So, here are my own 5 goals that I plan to work toward in the next few months and I hope I can inspire someone out there who may be struggling with a personal trial that seems insurmountable.

1.       Keep a journal.

I will be attempting to blog about my journey more often. Even if I’m the only one who ever reads any of these words, what matters is that they’ll be there for me to fall back on when I have a hard day, to remind myself that attitude is everything.

2.       Cultivate the art of letting bad things happen.

I won’t wallow in self-pity for one more day. I will remember that I do truly like my life the way it is, even though there are some things currently missing from it. There will be trials that will be hard on me, but I have total freedom to react however I wish. I choose to react positively, no matter what.

3.       Recognize the distractions that are ruining your life.

I am eliminating my facebook use for one entire month beginning today. I’ve already posted a temporary farewell and deleted the app on my phone.  Not only has facebook been a waste of my time lately, but more importantly, it has been a highway to steadily bring heartbreak right to my front door, as it were. I’ve finally had enough and I’ve realized that I’m doing it to myself. No one is doing it to me on purpose. It’s my own fault for checking in on my news feed so often. I think I will be happier and better off not knowing about every random person’s thoughts and announcements. Of course, I’m speaking of one bit of information in particular but I’m currently not ready to disclose that quite yet. The point is that I need to stop welcoming into my home things that will inevitably hurt me.

I already feel like I’ve thrown a giant burden off my back by taking this first step. Facebook has a way of making you feel like you have to care about things that shouldn’t really matter to you. Now that I’ve finally told myself that it’s ok not to give a shit, it’s sort of freeing.

4.       Read Seneca’s “Letters from a Stoic”.

I have not heard of this book before I read this blog post, but I’m intrigued as Matt mentions that it has been a more effective treatment for anxiety than any therapy or medication he’s ever tried. Couldn’t hurt to check it out.

5.       Eliminate fear by facing it head-on.

In order to do this, I’m going to have to talk to strangers. And as if that weren’t scary enough on its own, I’m going to be talking to them about something so personal, I’ve barely shared it with my own mother. More details to come later.

Stay tuned for updates.

Until next time.

Progress Update

I have been meaning to check in with my progress on the subject of my previous post, but I just haven’t done it yet because I felt that I wasn’t making any. I’m still struggling with shaking off these winter blues. I’m still having a hard time developing any desire to go to the gym and lift. I still feel utterly exhausted, body and mind, ALL THE TIME.

But then when I really sat down and thought about it, I realized that I have indeed made a little progress. I have proactively taken some steps in the right direction, and that’s what matters, right? Even if they are slow, tiny baby steps… 

Also, I’ve recently been approached a bit more than usual by several different people about some things in particular that sort of forced me out of my own misery in order to really think about the question and be able to provide a factual, helpful answer. So I’m going to write about those things in this post because they are really good questions and I want to share the answers with everyone! I wouldn’t be surprised if there are many more people out there wondering the same things. Some of these might be repeats of things I’ve written before, but just consider them friendly reminders if that’s the case.

          Q. How do I stay motivated?

A. Simply put, I don’t necessarily “stay” motivated. It isn’t a constant, uninterrupted thing that I turn on once and the motivation just feeds into my mind and body like a consistent current. Not at all. In the last several months I have been hit hard with a debilitating case of seasonal depression, something I’ve never experienced before and am struggling to overcome as I write this. As a result, I lost all interest in working out, which is, if you’re reading this blog, you already know, something I normally LIVE FOR. I lost interest in other things I love too, that don’t necessarily have anything to do with fitness so I won’t go into detail there. But the point is, I lost all interest in things I once loved and it was like it happened overnight. I also feel totally exhausted for no apparent reason and I have zero energy, which makes the prospect of working out seem even more bleak. I know how hard I push it when I lift, and I know how much energy is required to lift the way I do and I simply did not have it. I couldn’t find it anywhere.

So now you’re probably wondering when I’m going to get to the real answer to this question. Here it is: You think I’m this fitness rock star that never has a bad day and never eats anything unhealthy and never bats an eyelash at temptation. All you have to do is take one real, honest look at me to see that that is obviously not true. I have cellulite. I have a good amount of padding around my stomach. I have soft, fleshy arms. I know you don’t believe me. That’s ok. I know I look good in clothes. But I don’t care about that. What I care about is the way I feel and my body composition. For me it isn’t about the number on the scale, or the way my clothes fit. Really. It’s about feeling strong enough to lift a bus! It’s about seeing muscle definition. It’s about being able to crank out high-intensity cardio for 60 minutes without having an asthma attack. Motivation to change these things has to be sought anew EVERY DAY. You have to decide every single day what is going to motivate you. Here are some of my favorite techniques for finding motivation:
  
1. Buy new gym clothes/gear and get "dolled up". There's no reason to go overboard, of course. After all, you're about to sweat everything off and ruin your look, but feeling like I look cute instantly boosts my mood. Yes, I wear makeup to the gym. Yes, I go there with delightfully manicured nails. I twist up my hair in a fun ponytail or even pigtails sometimes. I always have earrings on. Laugh if you must, but looking good on the outside makes me feel good on the inside. The truth is that if I wore a ratty, baggy old t-shirt, ill-fitting pants, torn, unsupportive shoes, frizzy, messy hair and my teeth not brushed, I'd be hiding in the corner like a troll. And I'd feel like a troll. And there's no way in hell I'd want to be seen out on the floor bench-pressing, so I wouldn't do it. Maybe that's shallow or superficial, but whatever. It works for me. 

Also, I’m always dying to go to the gym and try out any new thing that I just got, even if it’s just a cheap little headband. I make a rule with myself that I’m only allowed to wear it if I’m working out. And I really want to wear it, so I work out so that I can. And this doesn’t have to break the bank! I’ve never paid full price for any of my gear. I paid less than $9 each for my ten pairs of Nike Pro Combat compression shorts (Ross, TJ Maxx and the clearance rack at the Nike Outlet). And Old Navy has my favorite sports bras. Go bargain hunting. I also use new gear as a reward for reaching a goal. It could be as simple as a new camelback water bottle for exercising 5 days that week. (Do not use food as a reward! Ever! You’re not a dog!) But also know that it’s ok to splurge and spoil yourself every once in awhile. My personal treat is Athleta. I bought a gorgeous swimsuit from there last year and I do not regret the money I spent on it because it’s the only swimsuit I have and it’s FABULOUS. 

2. Hang up inspiring pictures someplace you’ll see them a lot. I love Pinterest for all the inspirational posters I can find. Yoga poses I’d like to be able to do someday, positive mantras, images of defined abs that I’d like to work toward… all these things motivate me to choose carrot sticks and hummus over chips and tuna over a bagel. I make these images the background on my phone, the wallpaper on my work computer, and the decorations on my mirror at home. Follow my Pinterest board   Beauty=Fitness=Beauty

3.       Choose a favorite television show on Netflix or DVD and make a rule with yourself that you’re only allowed to watch it if you’re exercising while doing so. Or, make a game out of watching it. Every time a character says or does a certain thing, assign a certain exercise to do, like a drinking game, but much healthier! 

4.       Exercise first thing in the morning. It will set a precedent for the rest of your day that you will feel guilty for ruining. 

5.       Cardio sucks. Let’s just be honest! I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who says they love it, especially fitness buffs! So, try a whole bunch of different types of cardio until you find something you do like! It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it gets your heart rate up and makes you sweat. There is no magical “best form of cardio”. MYTH! Do what you like. If you like it, you’ll keep doing it. If you get burned out, try something else for a while until you’re ready to go back to it. I discovered that I HATE running but I LOVE cycling. So I don’t run. I cycle. Simple.

 6.       Go outside. Even if it’s bitter, miserable cold. Bundle up and go outside. The air and the natural light are instant mood lifters. Plus, if it’s cold, you’ll be more likely to get moving and go faster in order to warm up, which will burn more calories. 

7.       Play a sport or take a group class. I’m going to use Nate as an example. He really isn’t into lifting like I am. He doesn’t necessarily hate it and he’ll do it, but it bores him and it’s painful and uncomfortable. Some people thrive on that discomfort, like I do. Others simply do not. But he loves basketball, so the majority of his physical activity revolves around his basketball games. He plays 2-3 times per week, probably for about 2-3 hours each time. He also made a lot of like-minded friends doing this and it always helps to have friends who are interested in the same things you are. He plays church ball and he signs up for men’s rec leagues. Go online and research what’s available in your area! 

8.       Read fitness magazines! I love this one because the artist in me is mesmerized by big, bright, colorful pictures. And you don’t even have to pay for a subscription if you don’t want to, there’s so much online for free! My favorite by far is called Oxygen because they do not mess around with make-up ads or fashion tutorials. They are all about women’s fitness and nutrition and they NEVER use a tabloid celebrity as their cover model. They use real fitness models, figure competitors and athletes! And most of these women are working professionals who fit fitness into their busy lives just like me. You can find clean-eating recipes that are made with ingredients you recognize and know where to find at the grocery store and are NOT EXPENSIVE. There is a plethora of meal plans and workouts set up for you. All you do is follow the plan. 

9.       Nutrition is my biggest challenge when I’m trying to live healthy. I found a FREE app (it’s also online if you don’t have a smartphone) called “Lose-it!” and I SWEAR by this app. All you have to do is input your goals, whatever you eat and whatever exercise you do and it automatically calculates your calorie budget to get you there, and also your daily nutrient percentages so that you can tell if you need to get more protein and fewer carbs, for example. I LOVE this app. Having everything visual really makes me think twice when I’m tempted by someone’s red velvet/ cream cheese birthday cake. 

10.    Wear your sweat like a badge of honor. Do not be embarrassed by it, but it’s a good idea to have a towel handy! Anyone who has ever worked out with me knows that I sweat like nothing you ever saw. 10 minutes on the treadmill, and the back of my shirt will be totally sopping. No joke. I can drink 3 full bottles of water in a 90 minute lift sesh. But the sweat tells me that I’m working as hard as I should be and therefore effecting change, which motivates me to do it again tomorrow. 

11. There is some merit in the phrase "Fake it till you make it." It doesn't always work and that may be a sign that there is a deeper problem that needs to be addressed professionally. But for the most part, I have personally found that if I put on a smile even if I don't really want to and act cheerful and excited, then pretty soon I'm smiling genuinely and I really am psyched. Tell yourself what a waste of an opportunity to better yourself it would be if you miss your workout. Remind yourself how good the endorphin rush feels.Tell yourself it's ok that you had a donut at the office, but one was enough and now you can stop and put it in the past and have a hearty, crunchy salad or turkey sandwich for lunch. Banish your negative, self-hating thoughts. Your brain will believe what it's told. This is certainly easier said than done, but if you commit to really putting in an honest effort, you'll see that it works.

12. Download some new music or listen to an upbeat Pandora station. Music moves you, plain and simple.

Q. What do I eat? Healthy food is so expensive!

A. All you really need to know about nutrition boils down to this: Refined white sugar and artificial sweeteners are the enemy, not fat! Of course you should ideally keep your fat intake below 30% of your diet (the Lose-It! app keeps track of your percentages for you, remember!) The body is only able to metabolize a certain amount of sugar at a time. When you eat in excess of that amount, your body stores the excess sugar as fat. Did you read that?? YOUR BODY STORES THE EXCESS SUGAR AS FAT. Artificial sweeteners are not any better. Sure, they boast about having zero calories but at what cost? Increased cancer risk for one. If that isn’t enough to freak you out, I don’t know what is. I could go on and on about this but I’m not a doctor and you’ll learn better if you do your own research. There is a wealth of information online in medical journals and fitness/nutrition forums. Educate yourself. Get the facts. If your health is important to you, you’d already be doing these things. If your health wasn’t important to you, you wouldn’t even be reading this measley little blog.  Here's another link to an article about artificial sweeteners on a health blog if you're interested: Artificial Sweeteners 

Read nutrition labels! And if you're already doing that, start reading the ingredient list as well. Words like sucralose, fructose, maltodextrose, and any other strange word ending in "ose" means sugar. I am always shocked to learn how many people don't know that carbohydrates are sugars. Carbs = Sugar. Sugar is nothing more than calorie-laden emptiness. Your body is incapable of using all the sugar you eat, and sugar does not make you feel full. In fact, it's addictive and only causes you to crave more.  Don't misunderstand and start thinking that carbs are the bad guy because that is untrue. Refined, white carbohydrates are the bad guy. White bread. White rice. White potatoes. Enjoy these things in moderation. Try to get the majority of your carbohydrates (sugar) from whole grain sources and real, natural fruit (i.e. NOT canned or packaged "fruit" cocktails)

That being said, it’s perfectly ok to indulge once in a while. In fact, it’s even good to give yourself a break now and then; doing so helps to prevent binging. But I’m talking about regular excess. Having a giant bowl of ice cream every single night isn’t going to do you any favors. Having a bowl of ice cream once a week is better. Not keeping ice cream in the house and only having it on a special occasion where you have to go out and put forth a lot of effort to obtain it is best. Never having it? Impossible. For me, at least. 

As to the expense, that’s simply not true. I have personally found that if I stick to the purest, most natural form of a food the better it is for me, the more satiated I feel and it really doesn’t cost any more money than other options, and the less I feel like I’m on a restrictive “diet”. Compare buying whole wheat pasta in bulk, tomato sauce and spices, ground turkey and a block of skim cheese and preparing your own pasta dish for a family of 4 people to buying a frozen tv dinner pasta dish for one. You’ll be shocked at how expensive convenience is. For produce, buy and eat what’s in season. In the middle of January, blueberries are going to be very expensive, so eat something else instead! In the summer when the price of blueberries drops, eat blueberries. Buy 90% of your groceries from the perimeter of the store. Do your best to steer clear of the middle aisles. That is where the toxic, processed, convenience foods are kept. Make a meal/recipe plan for the week or month and from that, compose a grocery list of the ingredients you’ll need. Do not stray from the list. Keep a water bottle on you at all times and sip from it regularly. You'll likely need to pee a lot, but that's good for you, even if it is a nuisance. I've worked up to drinking about 80-90 oz of water per day and now it's just a habit.

And now for my progress update:

I’ve lost 3 lbs and about a quarter to a half inch from each area. I’ve gone from not working out at all to going to spinning 1-2 times per week, walking my dogs, and doing my favorite workout DVD Turbo Fire (get it from Beachbody) at home 3 -4 times per week. Like I said… slow, small baby steps. I feel a little better each day. Some days are worse than others. A dear friend has helped me with more ideas on how to overcome this thing and so for the next few months I am going to implement her suggestions. For the next post I am aiming to be back down to 135 lbs, an inch lost from each area and get back to lifting. I’ll also measure my body fat percentage then. Hopefully I’ll be down a few points.

I welcome your questions. Bring them on!

Until next time.

Back in the Saddle

I’ve been out of my healthy habits for the past few months, only hitting the gym and eating clean sporadically. As a result I feel like a smashed brown banana. Yuck, disgusting. Part of it has to do with the hectic holidays but I’m not about to blame it soley on that because the holiday season has never done this to me before. There are two other big reasons that I’ve never dealt with before and I’ve been trying to overcome both at the same time which has turned out to be exhausting.

The first one has been trying to figure out these damn ovulation predictor tests and dealing with the frustration of having the doctor keep telling me the same thing over and over, “Keep at it for a few more months, and if still nothing happens, then we’ll talk about other options.” I’m starting to think I need to find a new doctor who acts like he wants to help me because this one doesn’t seem to have the same sense of urgency I do. (Any recommendations  located in the Salt Lake valley?)

The other thing is that around the end of October when the weather changed from a delightfully crisp autumn to a bitter, dark winter, I found myself suddenly seized upon by a strange lethargy that I’ve never felt before. I suddenly became not just disinterested in working out, but downright dreading an loathing it. And on the rare days I could pick myself up and drag my butt to the gym anyway, I rarely enjoyed my workout. I felt depressed and hopeless and couldn’t pinpoint any particular reason for it. Even C4 (the preworkout drink I use) couldn’t pick me up and that’s when I knew something definitely wasn’t quite right because that always works.

I did some research and talked to a bunch of people and most of them agree that my symptoms probably point to seasonal depression. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve always loved the colder months because I tend to overheat very easily and so I’ve always thought of the cooler weather as a relief. I love the snow and I even hesitate to complain about driving in it. I just never thought winter was as bad as everyone else did. I still don’t really know where this came from or why now all of the sudden.

Since it is the new year, I’ve made a resolution to learn to enjoy my life as it is right now, and to do my best to live in the moment. The only strategy I’ve been able to come up with to get my happiness back is to stop thinking and planning and overanalyzing so much and just take action. I’m going to work on some home improvement projects, start drawing again, spend more quality time with Nate, and get myself back to the gym, but most of all I’m going to stop poisoning my body with sugar. I’ve had entirely too much and not only has it made me feel terrible physically, but I’ve gained 15 pounds, which makes me feel terrible emotionally.

Many of you know that my favorite T.V. show is The Biggest Loser and as I watched the premier of season 14 last night, I could not keep tears from running down my cheeks as I listened to each contestant’s story. The real inspiration though, came when Nicki chose to throw away the huge opportunity she had been given and walked off the ranch on the very first day. Her story struck a particularly emotional chord with me because she desperately wanted to have a family with her husband but she couldn’t because she is obese. To watch her give up on herself so quickly saddened and angered me so deeply that I swore at that moment that I was not going to do the same thing. I am refusing to wallow and let this depression beat me. Even if it subsides on its own once the sun returns, I am not willing to wait around that long. I am in charge of me, so I say it’s happening now.

For my own record and accountability I am going to write down my current stats in order to hopefully see a huge change by spring. Follow along with me if you want to; I’d love some company!

Start (Jan. 7, 2013)                    Goal (April 7, 2013)
Height: 5’ 8”
Weight: 145 lbs                         130 lbs        ( -15 lbs )
Waist: 30”                                 25”              ( -5” )
Hips: 42”                                  39”              ( -3” )
Thighs: 23”                               20”              ( -3” )

I realize that these may seem a little lofty for only 90 days, but I believe in aiming high.  When I reach these goals, I'm hoping to feel confident enough to finally enter for my first amateur bodybuilding show, bikini division, something I've wanted to do for years! Just writing those words is so scary. Stay tuned.

Do any of you experience seasonal depression or any type of depression? What strategies do you employ to shake it off? Have you lost interest in things you’re usually passionate about?

Until next time.