Breaking My Silence: Chapter 3

Breaking My Silence: Chapter 3. Stages of Healing.

Why have I never talked about this until now? Simple. If you avoid a problem, it will go away. Right? If you don’t talk about it, you don’t have to think about it. If you don’t think about it, you won’t be sad. If you’re not sad, then no one will pester you. And not being pestered makes me happy.

There are a lot of reasons I have not talked about it this openly before. It’s gross. It’s embarrassing. I felt ashamed. It’s private and personal. I did not want to see that pity in people’s faces. I did not want to hear people’s solutions for me; I was not interested in having everyone fix it. I also felt insulted when people would try and "educate" me about the issue… Hello? I am the one with the problem, don’t you think I’m already an expert on the subject?? I did not want to hear the unhelpful and often insensitive (whether intentional or not) comments. I did not want the judgment. I did not want to be compared to others: I was not like them! I was unique! I didn’t want to hear that so-and-so has that same disease and she had 15 kids, so don’t worry, it’s not a big deal. It’s a big deal to me! I was too proud to admit I needed help in an area where so many people excel without even trying. I felt broken. I felt like a failure. I felt inadequate. I felt wracked with guilt. When I do talk about it, it’s difficult not to cry. I hate crying. It makes me feel weak and I hate feeling weak (I think that’s become quite obvious… just read the name of this blog), especially in front of people. And when I’d cry, I’d see the pity.

However, I would have gladly taken ALL of this to spare Nate from getting any of it. Seeing him suffer these things was a million times worse than any unkind remark or thoughtless expression ever given to me.

So we did not talk about it.

I went through several stages of healing to get to where I am today. Beginning to talk about it now is another step in that process.

Stage 1. Anger

I was and still have moments when I feel a lot of anger. I’m frustrated that the medical community seems to have almost no information regarding the disease and they haven’t even figured out what causes it and much less how to cure it.

I also struggled with the injustice of it all. Why did this happen to me? So I’m not one of those kid-adoring people, I can fully admit that. I’m not dying to hold everyone’s babies all the time, or babysit. But that doesn’t mean I don’t desire to someday have my own children. That doesn’t mean I don’t like kids, in general. So why do I deserve this? What did I do to bring this on myself?

I’m angry that nobody talks about it. It’s almost a taboo subject. I can’t possibly be alone in feeling all those things described above. So if this disease afflicts millions of women in the world, including so many that I know personally, why isn’t anyone talking about it? Why isn’t it common knowledge? Why must we feel so ashamed by it that it is kept hushed? It makes my blood boil! (no pun intended…)

I’m angry that this Mormon community we are surrounded by sets such a hard and fast standard of child-having. (And please note that I say community, meaning the people in general, not the church or gospel)

Get married between the ages of 18 and 25 (and 25 is pushing it, you senior citizen!): check.


Have 5 kids by the time you hit age 30… ummm…

If you don’t fit into this mold, you must be a worldly freak, a sinner, a lover of your career and money over family with obviously no desire to follow the commandment to multiply and replenish. How dare you mock God? You bring down upon yourself a torrent of social pressure and unrelenting questioning and nosing in your business, whether you have a good reason or not! You should be exhausting your resources in order to have as many children as possible, the costs be damned!

Stage 2. Fear

I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of the choices I’d have to make. How would I know the right thing to do? I’m afraid of in vitro. I’m afraid of surrogacy. I’m afraid of adoption. I’m afraid of what will happen if I actually get pregnant on my own. Will there be complications? Will I miscarry? Is my soul strong enough to cope with a miscarriage? I’m afraid of never seeing that plus sign on a pregnancy test. I’m afraid of seeing a plus sign on a pregnancy test. And postpartum, I’m afraid of the kind of mom I’ll be. I’m afraid of never becoming a mom. I’m afraid of having a child with some sort of disability and how I’ll raise that child. I’m afraid the endo will grow back. I’m afraid of only having one child... what will that do to him/her? To me? To Nate? What if I hate being a mom? Above all I’m afraid of my own grand inadequacy.

Stage 3. Gratitude and Acceptance

I still don’t have the answers to any of the things listed in the two stages above and yes, these things still vex me, almost daily. But through my faith, many blessings, and the support of that great guy, Nate, and a wonderful Davis and Jacob family, I was able to get to a place of gratitude and acceptance. I have realized that it is all actually quite simple. This thing happened. It is a part of my life. There’s nothing I can do to change it and nothing I could have done to prevent it. It is simply there to teach me patience, humility, and trust in the Lord, and to make a better person out of me and so all I have to do is allow it to do so. Pouting and pitying myself will get me nothing but personal misery, not to mention more misery for Nate.

Stage 4. Resolve

I spend a lot of time researching on my own and learning all I can. I look at all the positive options there still are. It is not totally hopeless. And even if I do end up going through this life childless, who ever said that has to be such a terrible thing? Who ever said I can’t choose to be happy anyway if that is God’s plan for me? I read a great saying once that goes, "When life knocks you down, calmly get back up and politely say, ‘You hit like a bitch’." (source unknown) And this is one of my favorites from the show Modern Family, "When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like ‘Whaaaat?’" Hahaha!

I’m really hoping that by finally talking about it, I can continue to heal and also help someone out there who could be struggling and might feel alone in their struggle, like I did. It needs to be exposed and talked about. I’m resolving to be better at that.

Until next time.