Breaking My Silence: Chapter 5

Breaking My Silence:

Chapter 5. Odds and Ends

Here are some little snippets of writing from my ideas notepad that I didn’t feel were quite heavy enough for their own posts, yet still are things that are important to me to share.

1. I do not begrudge you your children. I do not resent you for having children or talking about your children. You are perfectly entitled to be proud of them and show them off. I may resent the fact that it’s easy for you, but please do not assume that I am completely hardened by this experience. In fact the opposite is true. I’ve never felt more sympathetic or soft-hearted, and remember what an innately angry person I am? I know, it’s shocking for me too. There is no need to walk on eggshells around me and even less need to exaggerate it if you do. Be assured that I feel sincerely happy for you.

That said, I still have limits. Please do not shove your children at me and become offended or appalled when I do not wish to hold them, play with them, babysit them… etc. I am very bad at it. Please believe me when I say I’m bad at it. I have absolutely no desire to. If I do want to hold your baby, I will let you know. Or, you could simply ask and if I decline, leave it at that. Don’t assume I’m dying to hold everyone’s baby. I am not. Please do not cram your sonogram down my throat and in the same breath WHINE AND COMPLAIN incessantly about your pregnancy. That will annoy me beyond measure.

2. NEVER say the following things. They are thoughtless, careless, insensitive, unfunny and I’ll just say it: downright mean-hearted. However, if you simply MUST say any of these and cannot hold back, then say it to me. If you say it to Nate I will tear you limb from limb. Probably not literally, but I just can’t guarantee that. For good measure, if you do want to know the answer to these burning questions, I’ve included my responses. And in case you’re in disbelief as you read on, yes, I have actually been told ALL of these things.

A. "How long have you been married? And still no kids?" as of September 2012 – 7 years and yep.

B. "When are you having kids??"

How can anyone know that??

C. "How many kids are you going to have?"
Again, how can someone know? It’s not really up to me.

D. "Aren’t my horrible, wild kids great birth control? Hahaha"
Screw you.

E. "You’re getting older, you should probably hurry up if you want kids."
Oh really? I thought that as life progressed, you got younger. Weird. Also, age is the least of my problems.

F. "I knew someone who had that disease. Now she has 40 kids. Don’t worry. The moral of the story is that if you’re good, God will bless you with children, if that’s your heart’s desire."
WTF… I don’t even know where to begin…

G. "We’d like to extend to you the calling of nursery leader/primary teacher for our ward."
You must be insane.

H. "Becoming a parent is a blessed calling. Do whatever you must to rise up to this calling."
Hard words to hear. While I agree with the general message of this one, my defiance tends to rise up and want to say Don’t tell me what to do! You don’t know my life!

I. "Sorry my kid repeatedly punched your husband in the crotch while I laughed."
You’re not sorry. If you were, you’d discipline that little shit.

J. Maybe I’ve made a remark or behaved in way merely by happenstance that you found compelling: "ARE YOU PREGNANT??" No. "Are you sure??" Yes. "Really???" Yes! Hell! "But how can you be sure? You never know! Did you take a test?" I am BLATANTLY reminded of that fact by my own damn body. Yes. I. Am. Sure. No. I. Do. Not. Need. To. Take. A. Freaking. Test.

I hate to say this because I think people use it as a cop-out too often, but my responses can highly depend on my mood. Some days I feel much better equipped to handle these things and I can deflect without taking offense. I do try to be open-minded and objective, most of the time.

3. I suppose this goes hand-in-hand with the obsession with which I find myself possessed. Actually, I hesitate to admit this because I’m a bit embarrassed, but I can’t get enough of movies and blogs about babies/pregnancy. Recent examples: "The Back-Up Plan" and "What to Expect When You’re Expecting". I laughed until I cried and cried until I laughed. Particularly the end of "What to Expect…" when J.Lo’s character travels to Africa to pick up her newly-adopted son. Suffice it to say… a huge part of me was very glad I watched that movie alone. I’ve also found myself on several adoption agency blogs and cannot stop reading the profiles. They are so full of hope and heartbreak at the same time. They cause me to start thinking about what I might say if I ever have to write a profile.

4. I am finally able to come from a place a true gratitude. I feel amazingly blessed to be surrounded by such good and supportive friends and family and undeservingly blessed to be married to the guy I’m married to. In a future post, I hope to be able to relay his side of the story, but for now, know that he has suffered as much as I have, if not more. And please take him seriously. He jokes around and acts tough because he is a man and he is coping too. He is entitled to deal however he chooses to deal. But that doesn’t mean anyone is allowed to push it.

I feel confident speaking for both of us when I say that we are looking ahead with hope and enthusiasm. And also a bit of fear, of course. You always fear the unknown. But I’ve been able to find peace and come to rely on my faith that my future is not in my own hands. It is in Heavenly Father’s hands and how can I not trust someone who knows all things?

Until next time.